Day Ten

My my!  Onto double figures now, the days I have abstained from Facebook.  So far the only "info" I've gathered about Facebook is that Guy set up a fireworks event last week, Henry set up a birthday event last week, Ming put something on his status about looking for a girl to accompany him or something.  Each time I hear "info" being shared out I remind the person that I'm not on Facebook and shouldn't be even listening or entertaining thoughts of it.  And they kindly stop.  This is mainly my sister, Cat.  Haha!  Yep, so that's how tough I am with staying away from Facebook.  With the time I've saved I manage to get my admin work done quicker each night, and of course I can blog to my fellow readers as well.  Haha!  I believe self-discipline is very important in achieving your goals, no matter if is it going to the gym or abstaining from Fb or in making time to spend with God.  The latter I am not disciplined enough unfortunately and I will need to put in more effort.

Drawing the line

I am a good actor I think.  I hide my feelings well when required.  I smile when I am sad.  I sound positive when I am frustrated inside.  I give praise when on the inside I wanna scream out loud.  Yes, I am talking about the "perks" of my job as a driving instructor.  Sometimes I feel I cannot truly express myself, ever.  Even on my blog, in "fear" that the information 'falls into the wrong eyes' so to speak.  Mainly the fear of pupils or potential pupils reading about the moans of my job, kinda thing.  What would they think of me?  I am not really one to mind what people think of me in general, however, because it is business related things are different eh.  I feel I can no longer rant about my work like other people can, cos my work is so close to him as well e.g. certain pupils are also good friends.  So... where do we draw the line?  Lol!  I guess we can't.  Nobody else is in my shoes really.  No one in my circle of friends anyway.  There are no more driving instructors out there whom I hang with, besides two potential instructors Ho Yan Cheung and Ting Tung.  I do hope they qualify soon and we can form a wee group of Chinese instructors and take over Scotland!  =P  Maybe with more instructors together we can understand each other more.  Btw, I am not saying I do not have driving instructor friends.  It's just I am not that close to them as I am with my other friends =)

So, hiding my feelings eh.  Tonight I will not hide them anymore.  Cos I had a crap day today.  The very early morning driving test that I woke for ended in a fail.  The following driving lesson, which is the lesson before tomorrow's driving test, went crap as well.  Argh!!  People can be so inconsistent!  This guy has his test tomorrow yet he somehow conveniently forgot he was to give way to his right at roundabouts and ended up stopping in the middle of a mini roundabout in Anniesland when he saw a car on the left of the roundabout.  What?!  His Show Me Tell Me answers are "half bucket of water" (Chinese direct translation) as well, and since he doesn't speak English he will be answering in Chinese and I'll need to interpret for him tomorrow.  I just really he doesn't give a crappy 2/3 word answer in Chinese and hope I will interpret the whole answer for him.  That would look TOO dodgy!

Also I find it really hard to shout at my pupils.  Ok, not shout, cos that's scary.  But even to express my frustration at what they've done.  Like the roundabout inside.  It was very dodgy indeed!  I thank God for keeping us safe and no other cars entered the roundabout when they saw us stranded there.  However, after we moved away safely I just said to him calmly, "We are meant to give way to the right, remember?  Don't worry about the left, ok?" and he just smiled and acknowledged what I said.  But it makes me wonder, does he really get what I said?  Will it happen again some day in the future?  When another stupid incident happened in the same lesson, to express my frustration I, this time said in the most forceful yet calmly way, "Hey, you're meant to sit your test tomorrow man!  You can't be doing this.  Oh dear!" to which he just laughed.  =(

Whenever I'm in these situations I find it SO hard to have harsh words with my pupils.  Sometimes we have to be cruel to be kind, right?  I remember getting told off by my L-test instructor and my ADI instructor when I did stupid or dangerous stuff.  And it helped me understand the severity of the incident.  So why am I tip-toeing around my pupils now?  Even a teacher shouts at pupils in the class if they've done bad.  Why do I still use a soft calm voice on the outside when the inside is boiling up with, "What the heck were you doing??  Are you blind??  Couldn't you see that car??  Why did you stop here??  Do you want to get us killed??  Do you want to pass your test tomorrow??  Oh my, you have no chance la!!!"  (Not in the same sentence of course, and preferably not to the same pupil either!) But I just can't seem to get those kinda words out of my mouth.  They just seem to circulate around my head whilst I get fuming inside.  Is that healthy?  I think not.

I think there are two reasons that hold me back from really expressing myself.  One is my green ADI badge.  I know there is a code of conduct to adhere to as a driving instructor.  I don't want to appear unprofessional in anyway.  I don't want pupils to feel scared when they enter the car with me.  I don't want them to tell their friends I shout.  [Hey, btw readers, just to set the records straight I do NOT want to shout at every lesson.  It's only these really crappy and frustrating ones that seem to bring the worse out in me.]  So yeah, professionalism is one reason.  The second thing which is the most important one I feel is that I am a Christian.  I think most if not all of my pupils know I am a Christian and I keep my Sundays off and I mention events I attend etc.  So if I shout or say or do something negative it might affect they way they view Christians?  Hmm... it's difficult you see.  Again, where do you draw the line?  I definitely need to find a way to express my frustration and the severity of what the pupil(s) has done and be strict when I need to be.  I get lost for words when I get angry in Chinese you know that?  When I get raging I find it hard to find the words, especially technical words to express the driving routine or whatever, and I get all tongue tied.  Then at the end of my sentence I often open my window for some fresh air.  Ah!

I need to stick at it.  I need to ask God for wisdom in handling these situations and for better communication skills on my part.  It's the Cantonese speaking pupils that I get difficulties with cos everything has to be interpreted and translated into a way for them to understand.  God can help me :)