Crossroads

"Seeking You as a precious jewel, Lord to give up I'd be a fool, You are my all in all..."

These lyrics are resounding inside me right now.

Today during lunch break, in the times of quietness I had time to think to myself.  I thought back to a telephone conversation had this morning as I made my way out to start work.  The conversation was offering me a chance to "further" my role as an ADI (Approved Driving Instructor).  The job involves tasks related to driving and road safety but takes me out of the car environment into classroom environments.  Would only be feasible if I were an independent driving instructor as I should be affliated with another driving school company.  I wasn't asked for an answer right away as it is already known that I am considering taking that path.  However, this opportunity will definitely take me out of my comfort zone.  After all, public speaking is not my strongest point, nor is my favourite thing to do.  The role will definitely be much more challenging than teaching pupils on a one-to-one basis.  Imagine twenty-to-one in a classroom per lecture.  Oh man!  I agreed to sit in on a couple of lectures and see what it's like first before agreeing to anything.  And in the back of my head, I know this is something to commit to God.

I'm at a crossroads right now.  I am not exactly sure which direction to head.  Things are quite uncertain for me right now and I find myself resolved to living each day as it comes and I know this is not the best way.  Certainly not my usual style of doing things.  I like to plan and know what I'll be doing.  Even if not in detail, then at least a rough idea.  But right now I don't even have a rough idea.

Do you 'work to live' or 'live to work'?

The above question gets asked a lot.  My answer has always been 'work to live'.  However, when I put in so many hours each day, each week, and I don't see the fruits of my labour, then am I really making a living out of it?  Is it slowly turning into a 'live to work' situation?  We all work for one reason - for money.  Money as income to use towards a future with marriage, getting your own home, car, children etc etc.  Money is not the be all and end all, that's right.  God is the most important treasure we can possess.  This blogpost is not about the love for money.  It is merely saying that we enter into a job usually to make money and when we change jobs we usually aim for a better income.  Right now I don't see much of a difference financially a year after being an instructor.  In fact, the hours put in are much more than before, yet the income is not very different.  The winter break icy weather really affected the transport industry and brought the country to a standstill.  The self-employed instructors were sobbing quietly in the corner when nobody else noticed.  Ok, I remember I ranted and raved on this blog.  A fat lot of good that did!  Haha!

I moaned to another driving instructor friend earlier this evening and he empathised with what I was saying.  He understands this self-employment business is not easy.  Things can be good one minute and turn bad the next and there isn't much help with it.  The income is quite unsteady.  I told him about complating further training to get additional entitlements onto my licence to enhance my job prospects.  I would really love to find some form of stable income.  Long distance driving does not put me off.  The hours could be long but would get better pay in the long run.  They say as an instructor you are "your own boss" and you "control your own hours".  No you don't!  Tomorrow I work 10am and finish 9pm.  Finish so late because I need to cater for pupils who finish work and can only do evening lessons.  If I took the "control your own hours" literally I'd say, "No, I do not work after 5pm".  But guess what?  That would cut my income by a third every day, every week, every month.  Once my "hands stop, the mouth stops eating" (Chinese saying often said by a close friend).  So in a way, I am controlled my demand!  Sick!!  On top of that, after I finish 9pm I then get home around 9:20pm and have to do admin, do lesson plans to get ready for the next day's lessons.  And I log on to Facebook/ Skype/ MSN cos I want to chat to friends, look at pictures, watch Youtube etc.  Before long it's 10pm and I should be in bed to catch my eight hours of sleep before the gym at 6:30am!  Oh, it's a hard-knock life!

So back to the time today when I was alone thinking about stuff.  I don't want a job purely for money.  I don't want to go for a job just to avoid problem pupils.  I don't want a job for status.  I can find such jobs anywhere I suppose, but ultimately I hope to find a job where the Lord is.  So I asked today in the car park, "Lord where are you?  I'll go where the Lord is."