What's the point?

Was in a "can't be bothered" mood today.  Finished work at 3PM since my last lesson cancelled yesterday cos she was sick (genuine in fact, cos she was already losing her voice on Monday night's lesson).  So I had all this free time to spare.  Went to my Men's Store appointment to get some waxing done.  That only took about 10-15 minutes then I was back out in town again.  It was raining so I had my big umbrella up.  People were busy rushing about.  Cars and buses were busy going to their destinations.  Everyone had a purpose.  Yet I felt purpose-less, I felt aimless.  Originally I thought I might go to Next or M&S and look for suit trousers to replace my current ones.  And maybe even look for light jumper/ sweaters for having long sleeves for work in the car.  The recent dramatic change in weather has caught me out a little, especially last Monday when it was absolutely baltic.  Anyway, after using the toilet at Buchanan Galleries I just sat at the internet kiosk area, played with my phone and just couldn't be assed doing anything.

There was a feeling of loneliness creeping up inside me.  It has always lurked in the backgroud, but I do my best to fight it, not succumb to it.  I try to ignore it.  When I mentioned it to someone close, he said that I have the gym and my business to keep me occupied.  That is true.  I suppose keeping myself busy may "drown out the noise" for a while.  But what about after that?  What about at the end of the night?  The gym closes.  I finish work.  Then...?  I mean, sometimes things can feel so meaningless.  Get what I'm saying?  It's like a rich man who has all money and fame and power.  But no friends or family, sleeps alone at night.  No one to share happiness and wealth with.  Whats the point?  Yes I have friends and I have family.  But no significant other.  That gaping "hole" is getting more and more obvious now, at least to myself.

I'm not ashamed to say that but that longing is increasing daily.  I know some people say that they don't like to put things online, that they want to keep things private, don't want to let people know so much etc.  Well, that's their choice.  Too long have I listened to people's "advice" or "comments" and try to work them into my own life.  But you know what?  I don't think it'll work for me.  This is me.  This is my blog.  And I trust that it is my friends who actually read my blog.  Anybody else who stumble across my blog through Fb or through keyword searches are very welcome to read all this too.  Cos at the end of the day, this is who I am.  Gordon So, an ageing British Born Chinese Christian guy.  Yes I am a Christian, yet that does not stop me from having feelings and emotions right?  That doesn't mean I am free from feeling sad etc right?  Cos after all, it is these feelings and emotions that I share with the Lord and now I am sharing with y'all.

Some people might say that I needn't put things online, instead find a few friends to talk to and pray with you etc.  Well finding a few friends would mean having to repeat everything a few times.  Do you think I'd want that?  I might end up missing things out or saying the wrong things.  And most likely, when meeting with guys you don't get that emotional anyway.  Guys "act tough" and might not express themselves that well.  So if you wanna read this, then you're welcome to.  What you do with this information is also up to you.  Pray for me?  Laugh at me?  Tease me?  Share with your friends?  Whatever!

My sister is getting married next summer and will later migrate to Singapore to be with her hubby Nick, who so happens to be one of my close friends.  I am very happy for them deep down, genuinely.  Once Cat leaves though, the flat will only be occupied by mum and me.  Though I cannot fully comprehend what it will be like say exactly a year from now (20th October 2012), I know the house will be a lot quieter.  I will be 29 then and mum will be... nah, I am not telling you THAT!  But anyway, there will be simple meals at dinner.  Mum will be older so will be more tired after work.  Will I still be moaning like this?  Will the quietness at home mean I have more time for my mind to wander?  What's quite sad is I might not even have a partner to go to my sister's wedding with.  Who knows what God has in store though.  But at present the prospects are not looking good.  Why can't I find someone who is willing to commit to a relationship?  Why do so many people I know have to be studying?  Have to be in different walks of life from me?  I know God didn't create man to be alone, therefore when he created Adam God also created Eve as a partner for him.  In search of my "Eve" I have to remind myself that God has a plan for me.  A plan to prosper me, not to harm me.

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."