Dear Diary

This is my entry for myself, not for anyone else, so I shall write it like a diary entry.

Sigh… I can’t believe it’s only Wedesday today. It sure does feel like a drag. Mum said last night that it’s probably because I’ve been out instructor training so much. And it’s true. Right now there is no excitement in my life. My girlfriend ain’t here. My friends are out having fun, every day it seems, and here I am working, training, sleeping. What’s the point? Do I ‘work to live’ to ‘live to work’?

I’m getting slightly peed off. Yesterday was the first time I really did not want to leave the house to meet Ann. 6pm I was watching Sky News – the Michael Jackson memorial was on live, as was on BBC2. The interview with his friend and personal trainer Lou Ferrigno gave a better picture into what a good man Michael Jackson was. During this time how can one think of his “bad” things and what he was charged with etc. I really wanted to sit and watch the live broadcast. This was a worldwide event, as some people described: “bigger than Elvis and bigger than Diana”. I was secretly hoping for a call from Ann saying she couldn’t make it for whatever reason and I would have been glad to say ‘ok’ and just sit and watch. But no – I had to move my ass at 6:15pm and drove away reluctantly. The streets were quieter than usual. Was everyone else watching the memorial? Even the Real Radio presenter asked, “Is anybody even listening to our show tonight?”

Training went ok. Usual stuff. Yes, I am getting better at finding her faults and actually found five out of five in the second phase and fixed them too. However, I realised I missed out on TWO good things for the three hours of practice. The first was the advanced showing of “The Proposal” which I am glad I gave the tickets away cos it would have gone to waste and I’m glad the movie was enjoyed. :) The second was the memorial. However, I was glad to find it available on BBC iPlayer so I will try to catch it tonight.

I’m not moaning for the sake of moaning. I am not moaning because I chose this career path. I am moaning because I don’t have time for myself. I don’t have time to do my own thing. I know if I’m a qualified instructor I can work 9-5, or my current 8:30am-5pm each day. Some days can be longer than others, but no way will I then train or do anything that requires so much concentration again after work. I finish work at 5pm, go home for some light dinner – can’t eat a lot cos sitting in car for 2hours+ with a heavy stomach is bad – then train between 6:30pm-8:30pm. Who am I kidding. We NEVER finish at 8:30pm!! I’d be very lucky to drive off at 8:45pm and get home for 9pm to then have a cup of tea and sit down to go online or play PS3 or just talk to mum.

Sake man! It’s ok for Ann. She is not working right now after redundancy back in the end of April, so she basically has the WHOLE DAY free to do what she wants before meeting me. Shopping, sun bathe, play with her grandchild etc etc and even cook dinner for her family before she comes out. She has a choice in her daily activities. Whereas I have no choice but to work until 5pm and although I have told her I don’t mind starting training at 5:30pm in order to finish earlier and give her more time to drive back to Carluke, she said 6:30pm would be better so she can get dinner ready for her family and I’ll have time for some dinner too. Well, yes, we can all have dinner before we come out. However, there are times when mum or Cat cooks dinner and it’s very nice, but I can’t really enjoy it for watching the time or watching what I eat cos if I eat till I’m full then I’ll have to sit with a seatbelt over that stomach and it’s uncomfortable. So basically, on the days I meet Ann I leave the house just after 8am for work and don't officially get home until 9pm+!! =O I need to sleep by 11pm you know?! Well, I TRY,

Ann’s test is tomorrow (9th July) and tonight will be our EIGHTH night in a row working through the ten PST (pre-set tests) in order to be full ready for our tests. If it weren’t for her test tomorrow (if she had postponed it as I had hoped last week), then we would not meet with such frequency or such intensity. But to make sure she has covered all ten by her test, I even offered to come out last Sunday. I hope she appreciates this man. More so, I hope if she passes tomorrow she’s not gonna ditch me and leave me to practice myself. I have thought about it. Tomorrow I’m definitely NOT meeting her. She’ll have her test at 1:05pm, it’ll be all done within 2hrs. After work I’m going to go to the gym – do something for myself. Run, stretch, abs, chest, back, arms, shoulders, whatever, just not driving stuff.

Friday I will meet her AGAIN, not for her benefit, but for mine. Cos I want to hear what the test is like and what to expect. What to do as well as what not to do. I think I’ll tell her tonight that on Friday it’ll be a short meet up cos frankly I’m getting tired, mentally drained. Nobody understands. Nobody feels me. It’s worse when I see and hear everyone else having fun, but I’m enduring this kind of stuff. Yes, it’s a choice. All a choice. I think after tomorrow the very most I'll meet Ann is 2/3 days a week, if I'm in the mood. Screw it man! It's time I prioritise myself and what I want. I want the gym ok? I miss my gym so much! Elaam will be back soon, 20th in fact and I'll hope to spend more time with her too. Damn me if I still do my training like this and forsake my loved one!

Saturday I will meet my instructor, Ronnie. Meeting him I know will be productive AND we’ll finish within the 2hrs time slot. Cos he is a busy man, and time is money to him. One day that will be the same for me. You see, the amount of time I dedicate into work currently (working full time then training), if I do the same once qualified, I will make mega bucks. But now I see no reward. If I spent this much time at the gym I’ll either be half way to entering Mr Universe or looking more like the handsome Ryan Reynolds who has a perfectly ripped body. I’m not saying money will make me happy. It shouldn’t. But right now I’m dedicating so much time for….what?! Give me something to see!!! I need to see something come to fruition!!

(3852)