It's You

The first blog post of 2012.  Strange time of quietness after a string of posts from before Christmas.  Truth be told, I was plagued with serious issues since the New Year.  Sometimes history repeats itself.  Sometimes your past can come back and bite you in the behind.  Sometimes things can also happen and you cannot explain why.  But one thing is for sure, there is no perfect person on this Earth.  None but Jesus.  The only person to have walked this Earth who never once sinned or commited any crime or hurt anybody.  For the rest of us, well ..."for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God..." (Romans 3:23).  Nobody is exempt from being hurt or from hurting people.  That is the nature of sin and it affects all of us, everyday.

My recent battle affected my emotionally, psychologically and mentally.  Ok, not psychologically, that sounds a bit dodgy (I am NO psycho!), but yeah definitely emotionally and mentally.  It affected my sleep so much as well that I would lie in bed and toss and turn because my brain was in overdrive, asking myself questions, replaying scenarios, experiences etc.  What the heck!  And this overdrive kept me up, in the dark, with no one to talk to.  And the worse thing was, often those nights were when I tried to sleep in good time for gym the next morning.  So as a result of the broken sleep I would not be able to get up in time for the gym, or woke up to see bloodshot eyes in the mirror and then gave up and opted for the bed as a safer option.  I had to listen to my sleep deprived body.  My training was affected all last week, which meant this battle affected me emotionally, mentally and physically.  Really, it was terrible.

I am truly thankful to the trusted confidence of a Christian brother whom I can spit everything out to (not literally!).  Spilling the beans provides a way of release that is hard to explain.  Receiving some empathetic Godly counselling really helps too.  Prayers are good and I needed them throughout my battle.  But having someone listen is like so amazing that I think Catholic brothers can agree with me when it's a bit like Catholic confessions.  Just having someone listen to you.  Don't have to say much, but let you tell everything.  It's really cool.  I am very thankful for it.  Ok, I am going round circles saying the same thing.  Haha!  Anyway, after yesterday's Godly counsel and later prayer, I left with the burden lifted off me.  My head raised up higher and I can see God clearer again.

God provided a way for me to find another truth within what was happening and once the truth was revealed, again I found another sense of release with a sense of relief.  There is goodness in this world after all.  Yup, there is definitely hope in humanity.  Whilst God is around us, there is always hope!

This afternoon, whilst on a driving lesson, I smiled my first smile for this year.  Yes, my first genuine from-the-heart smile.  Everything up to now has been forced, has been faked to cover up what I was feeling inside, but this afternoon it was as if the skies cleared up, and everything was "all as it should be".  I guess a sense of God's peace bestowed upon me.  It was amazing!  =)

The song above is called "It's You" by Parachute Band.  I came to know it through EM worship, both singing it and playing it whilst serving.  Initially to me the chorus sounded more like an ordinary love song singing about "it's you, only you" etc.  Even when I was playing this song on guitar, I felt like it was a love song for those loved up people there.  However, during my time of darkness I had this song playing in my car (among other Christian songs) and this song really struck my heart when I sang along to it and thought of the words I was singing.  The lyrics are amazing if you read/ listen to them.  The song is about total surrender to God, asking God to break down our walls, as we give him our all and how He wants our whole life.  The chorus really made me cry, but I really had to hold back the tears because I was driving towards a driving lesson.  The chorus: "It's You, only You, who can see beyond the pain.  Only You, who has made a way."  Man, on several occasions I could not sing these words without welling up and stopping midway.  Those words really described me and what I was going through.  Nobody would understand but God.  The second verse asks God to take our plans away as we humble our hearts to Him.  Definitely something I aim for this year.

For the year 2012 I really want a year of total surrender to God.  I have made so many plans for my own life thus far.  For 28 years I have hopes and dreams and desires which I wish to follow and make happen for myself.  Some have "succeeded", some have failed.  Along the way I have learnt very valuable lessons, but at the same time there have been lots of hurt involved as well, both for myself and others.  So I want this year to be a year I reestablish a much stronger relationship with God.  I want Him to take control of all areas of my life: my career, my health, my family, my relationships, my friendships and my servanthood to Him.  Let me walk each day seeking God first and put His plans as priority over mine.  Nobody is more important than God.

I therefore want to use this song "It's You" as the theme tune for my year 2012.  I'd like to end by sharing the lyrics of this song so you may read / sing along.  I hope everyone is having a good year so far and feel blessed by the Lord everyday.

IT'S YOU - PARACHUTE BAND

VERSE 1
TAKE DOWN THESE WALLS
TAKE DOWN THIS PRIDE
TAKE DOWN THE STRENGTH I’VE BUILT INSIDE

VERSE 2
HERE ARE MY FEARS
THIS IS MY SHAME
THIS IS THE ME I’VE HID AWAY

PRE CHORUS
ALL YOU DESIRE, IS ALL OF MY LIFE

CHORUS
IT’S YOU, ONLY YOU
WHO CAN SEE BEYOND THE PAIN
ONLY YOU
WHO HAS MADE A WAY

VERSE 3
TAKE DOWN THESE PLANS
I’VE MADE ON MY OWN
I HUMBLE MYSELF BEFORE YOUR THRONE

VERSE 4
FLOOD THROUGH MY HEART
BREATHE INTO MY SOUL
RUSH INTO ME AND MAKE ME WHOLE

BRIDGE
BREAK DOWN THESE WALLS
BREAK DOWN MY BRIDE
HERE I AM, HERE I AM
BREAK DOWN THESE WALLS
AS I WALK IN YOUR LIGHT
HERE I AM, HERE I AM